Its Official!

Its Official. I am ruining my children's lives.

Yesterday, I posted a link to a blog on my facebook page.  In case you missed it, I have posted the link on my blog page as well. The blog is "Good job and other things you shouldn't say or do unless you want to ruin your kid's life". When I read the post on yelling,  I was inspired. Finally felt like I was not crazy for wanting to find a better way to communicate with my children other than yelling.  Every time I yell at my kids, I feel like a failure--it is the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum.  J.L. (the author of the blog) has inspired me to keep working on myself and strive for a "no yelling" household.  Way to go J.L, Good job.

Inspired by the yelling post, I started checking out the site and J.L's other posts.  My heart started to sink as I realized that I am indeed ruining my children's lives.  I have some thoughts for you,  J.L.. First I will admit that my thoughts and observations are mine alone, I have not researched nor do I have any empirical evidence or a mentor to support my parenting views. 

But I do have kids. So while I found some your content inspiring, I would like to respectfully disagree with some of your posts. 

I read your post on spitting with great interest, as this was a problem with my almost three year old daughter. You wrote that ( and I am paraphrasing) that basically a child spitting is not meant as an insult to the parent, the child is merely expression their frustration/anger.  You wrote that the child is thinking something like “Excuse me Mom, I’m really angry right now. I feel like no one is caring about what’s going on for me. I don’t want to go to that party. I feel like I haven’t had enough time with you. You’ve been with the baby forever and now I’m supposed to just get in the car and I’m hungry and I want to play with you and I don’t give a shit about some friend turning four.” So they spit. You go on to give an example of how you might handle the situation :

My thoughts about a spitting child would be, Wow, she’s spitting. She must really be in pain. How can I help?
My actual response to them might be something like, “You’re sooo angry. So angry you’re spitting at me. I don’t like to be spit on but you can you push my hands or hit the sofa or scream. We’ll work through this together. But yes…get the anger out first.” Likely I’d say it in fewer words!

I can tell you J.L I have a spitting child and my first thought is not "how can I help".  Its actually "Ewww" I do not tolerate spitting my house.  Here's why: When my daughter grows up and leaves my house spitting will not be tolerated in any setting she goes into.  I seriously doubt that her future teachers, classmates, bosses and co workers will think about the anger/upset that motivated the spitting, and I can guarantee they will not respond the way you would.  You also go on to suggest that the child be directed to spit either outside or "over here where I can easily wipe it up"

My daughter is not allowed to spit anywhere in my home (except the toilet) that includes on me.  If she spits on me, she gets a time out--during which she spits on the floor at least three times (She gets another thirty seconds added to the time out for each additional spit on the floor)  I know your views on time outs-- but that's another blog-- After her time out, I hand her the cloth and she wipes out her own spit. 

I have found that the less of a big deal I make about it, the less she does it.  We haven't had a spitting incident in quite a while.  I hope that I am teaching her that if she makes a mess (like spitting on the floor) she cleans it up. However justified she may be in spitting on me, I cannot live with someone who spits.  I am sure that her future teachers, classmates, bosses and co workers will thank me.

I get that her spitting is a result of her inability to self regulate, that she is just expression frustration at whatever situation.  I take it from your post that you then would skip the birthday party in order to play/spend time with the child. 

That's all well and good, except....

That creates another problem.  In my house I would then have a screaming child who is now spitting because she missed the birthday party.  I do appreciate that kids need more time to calm down then  I do and I can appreciate the the incident may not be over just because I want it to be--because I have things to do and places to go, but the reality is we do have places to go and things to do.

I hope that I am teaching my kids that sometimes they can put their own personal comfort/interests aside in order to do something else.  Why? because in life, that's what we do.  If you make a commitment to someone (like attending a birthday party) then you should do your best to see it through. Besides, birthday parties might be fun.  That's not to say that I would force my child to go to or stay at a birthday party, but if my child has agreed to go (when the invitation came) then we go a least for a little while.  Think about it. If you r.s.v.p'd yes to a wedding, would you change your mind at the last minute? I personally hate weddings, but I love my friends and family. I put my personal feelings/comforts aside to be there for my friends.  Its the same with my kids and birthday parties.  If they have agreed to go, they go cause that is what friends do. Sometimes they have to think of someone besides themselves. I am sure their future classmates/friends/ and coworkers will thank me.

I do enjoy your blog, J.L and I hope you don't mind that I linked on my page.  For now I think we will have to agree to disagree.  I am going to continue to ruin my children's lives and start saving now for all the therapy bills in the future.  After all, that is what my mom did with me and I turned out okay.  Just ask my therapist....

Weary Travellers

                                                     Home where my thought's escaping
                                                     Home where my music's playing....
                                                                       ----Simon and Garfunkel

Whew!!  What a great trip.  We are just back from a week in southern Ontario.  We did not get to see everyone we  wanted to see, but we did catch up with great friends we have not seen for a long time.

It takes nerves of steel to pack up three children, load them into the van (We used to do it in a four door sedan) and drive 700 km--in one day.  Before we had the van the trip was taking about 11 hours.  Now we are back to about 8-9 hours.  My poor kids have learned to hold their bladders.

For anyone thinking  about doing this, I would like to share with you the top then things this trip has taught me.  Here they are in no particular order:

1. Be prepared for the unexpected--You never know for example when a friend you haven't seen in six years will reappear in your life, spend the day with you, then sleep on your hotel room floor that night.

2. Be grateful for the amazing friends you have--The ones who are kind enough to meet you outside of Old Navy and point out that the shirt you thought was one of your best has baby vomit on it. The new bra you bought to go with the shirt does not fit resulting in something called "Muffin Boob".  Be grateful for the friends who are kind enough to spend the whole day with you and pretend not to notice. Mostly be grateful you get to spend time with them.

3.Your children--especially the baby-- will decide that sleep is not necessary on vacation and 2 am is perfectly fine bedtime and 8am is still fine to get up, except when you have somewhere to be in the morning. Then the kids --again especially the baby-- will decide to sleep until 10 or 11am.

4. Getting your hair done while in the city is not a privilege, its a right. If that means your husband has to entertain the kids while waiting for you, so be it.

5. Feeding your kids slushies at a baseball game pretty much ruins your chances for a quiet-ish dinner with reasonably well behaved children. (It also ruins bedtime)

6.  Letting your baby eat soft foods from a net on a stick looks disgusting, but does buy you enough time to eat your dinner and chat with family (The net is hard to clean, but hey, whatever doesn't kill you can only make you stronger, right?)

7. There will be no romantic time with your spouse--see point #3

8. No matter how many times your family has told you they checked behind the couch and under the bed of the hotel, you are guaranteed to leave something behind--for example the new plush rabbits the kids were super excited to bring on the trip.

9. Sometimes luck is on your side and on your return home you happen to come across the same rabbits for $5--way less then you paid for them and way cheaper then having the hotel ship them back

10. Finally be thankful that you get to go on vacation, spend time with your family, visit friends, eat in restaurants, and see your kids happy. Travel builds character and creates life long memories.  What is your favorite childhood vacation?
 

Watch Where You Step.

I have long said that marriage is a bloodsport. I stand behind that sentiment.  If you are not laughing or nodding your head in agreement right now, then you a) Haven't been married long enough or b) Don't have any kids or c) have super excellent kids that everyone envies. So if marriage is bloodsport, then raising kids is the Olympics of bloodsports. 

Scratch that.

Raising kids is like walking through a mine field.  You have to be always one step ahead and avoid pitfalls you don't see coming.  Just when you think you have it all figured out BOOM!! it blows up in your face.  Better get a helmet and a towel.

This could get messy.

Right now I am reading a parenting book that covers preschool to preteen (I read all the baby books I care to read during my first two pregnancies) I am not going to name the book, but I would like to share my thoughts on I am reading right now.
 
I am currently reading a chapter on discipline techniques.  Yeah, I know. I can hear some of you groaning right now. I can hear at least  one of you shouting, "Throw the book away!! A good swift swat on the backside ain't going to hurt!!" Well, actually it will hurt that's the point.  I don't see what hitting my kids would teach them, except do as I say or I will hurt you.  Might work now, but then when they are too old to hit, what then? (Yes I got that from the book).

The book I am reading is big on natural consequences and logical consequences.  When I read this I was on board. It made sense.  Teach kids that their actions have consequences and let them suffer those consequences.  Then I tried to apply it, and BOOM!!  Blew up right in my face.  Good thing I have a towel.  Natural consequences are easy when they are toddlers: rip a book and the book goes in the garbage and then no story time.  Break something and it goes in the garbage then you don't have it anymore...But now that I have a school age child and a preschooler, natural logical consequences are extremely hard to enforce.

My precious book has abandoned me.  It doesn't tell me what a natural consequence would be for a preschooler who for example, is put to bed, screams her head off, picks up the rubber mats on her floor (the colorful kind that has the alphabet letters in the middle) and gets her head stuck in the hole in the middle of the mat.  In my mind the natural consequence would be to leave it there and let her suffer with the mat around her neck.

A word of advice: If your child gets his or her head stuck in something, don't leave them to suffer the natural consequence.  Your little genius might end up trying to chew her way out, leaving you with a room that has little foam bits all over the floor and a child who is now crying cause her tummy hurts.  Now we have bigger problems cause the crying from one child prompts the other child who was asleep to yell at both of us to be quiet. Which wakes the baby.  Okay,  Parenting Guru, what now?

Another piece of sound advice from the book is to avoid situations that trigger meltdowns.  For example if your kid has a meltdown every time you go to the amusement park then your kid is not ready for the amusement park.  Really?  First off, how many times does this author assume parents go to an amusement park?  Second, what kid has a meltdown at the amusement park? Kids are happy to go there.  My kids have meltdowns at grocery stores, doctors offices, the car, in bed, you know places we have to go.  Avoiding things that trigger meltdowns is fine if you avoid everything.

There is another way to avoid meltdowns, according to my book: Make sure your kids get adequate rest.  Well duh.  I know the reason we are having bedtime tantrums is because my preschooler is tired and exhausted. I let the child stay up late in order to avoid triggering a meltdown over bedtime.  Which  is it? Do I risk the tantrum at bedtime and enforce a bedtime I have no way of enforcing unless I stand constant  guard (which is nearly impossible with  a crying baby) or do I let the child burn out and crash wherever that happens to be?

The next time I am invited to a baby shower instead of a present or an oh-so-helpful-book I am going to get the mom to be a flak jacket, a helmet and a towel, no wait--two towels.

Please

I can't believe its been a whole week since you left.

I miss you and I need you. The kids need you. You can't leave us.  You just can't.  I admit it was all my fault.  If you come back, things will be different. 

I promise from now on, no more pushing you away.  No more coffee before bed. The TV in the bedroom is gone.  I promise to be in my bed every night ready and willing for you.  Please. 

How did it come to this?  I know we have had our ups and downs and I used to push you away for days on end.  I am so sorry I ever said you were for idiots.  I didn't mean it.  You did not deserve that.  I never really appreciated everything you did for me until I was pregnant with my oldest child.  Prior to that I was so mean to you. I worked nights just so I could avoid you. I didn't need you then. But I do now. Please.

What about the kids? Have you thought about what your absence is doing to them? I will tell you what it doing to them, its turning them into some sort of devil spawn.  They need you probably much more then I do. I am used to you being gone, they are not.  They are innocent.  What am I supposed to tell them? They don't understand.  Its me that has to explain to them at 3am why you are gone. What about the baby?  How can you leave a helpless baby? The baby used to be so delightful and happy.  Now she is a quivering, fussy mass of teething misery.  She really needs you.  Please.

I don't know what more I can say, except that we will probably loose our minds if you don't come back soon.  I promise to be welcoming. We will do whatever you need us to do, just please please come back.  Don't leave us now when we need you the most.

 I am really begging on my knees. I am pleading with you, my darling, my baby, my wonderful sleep please come back soon.

Who did you think I meant?

Good Friday? I think not.

Happy Easter!!

We are only a quarter through the long Easter weekend and man, I don't think we are going to survive.  At least I am not.  I am currently trying to enforce  my latest parental decision--nap time.

We spent last evening at a friends house dying Easter eggs and eating candy and pizza.  We got home had baths and straight to bed.  It was an awesome evening--no fuss no muss.  As always however, the lateness of bedtime is  inversely proportionate to wake up time----the later the bedtime, the earlier the wake up time.  So now I have children who were up late and up early. In others words, a perfect storm brewing.  I tried to stop the escalation but I can no more stop this then I can stop a tornado.  Time to run and take cover.

I am trying to use that old sanity saver, nap/quiet time. It never works for us. Interestingly enough, we are not too bad at bedtime.  When it is time for bed my kids go, and if they fuss, cry, or otherwise call out or get up to the bathroom multiple times then the next nights bedtime is moved up by 30 min--and yes I have put my kids to bed at 6pm.  Its a good strategy and I feel logical consequence to their actions, but once again their consequences mean I have to do more work.  I have dinner ready by five, or skip bath time or not go for an after dinner walk.  In short, its a heck of a lot of work just to enforce some "logical' consequences.

Today's debacle started around lunch time.  Tired, hungry, whine-y, bored children do not make good company.  Tempers flared and tantrums ensued when my children left the table--something I have told them a thousand times not to do--before they were finished their lunch and the dog jumped up on the table and ate their food.  There were many tears and a belch from the dog.  Not to be left out, my six month old decided she also needed to scream at the top of her lungs because the other two were doing it.  I lost it and sent everyone to their rooms for a nap/quiet time.

The very mention of the words room, nap quiet time are enough to cause major meltdowns from my older children.  They refused to go to their room. First they lost a star, then a marble and then the big guns-- I started throwing out their stuff.  On the plus side, my house is somewhat cleaner because the toys that were laying around are in the garbage.  And yes, they are actually in the garbage not coming back.  Its my last resort.  I no longer yell at them to get to their rooms, I just go around with a garbage bag and throw out stuff until they are in their rooms and quiet (Don't feel too sorry though, most of what I threw out we had duplicates of anyway, but they don't know that.) Finally they settled and we all agreed that they would stay in their rooms for an hour.  Except....

My son needed to go the bathroom.  Fine. First time--he gets to go, no talking to anyone then straight back to his room.  Second time, he can go but the minutes he spends in the bathroom get added to the hour he was supposed to spend in his room.  My almost three year old daughter during this time was busy destroying her room.  She emptied her closet, dumped her toys.  My baby has been crying and fussing this whole time as well, because the other two's tantrums woke her up.  I have spent the last hour policing the children (well and writing this so I guess its not all bad).

Now the hour is up and what did I gain?  Certainly not well rested children.  Another room I have to clean, a messy kitchen and a fussy baby. My kids could not even find the time during all that not napping to get dressed so we can't even go outside.  Not really sure what my next move is going to be. Now I have to spend the afternoon cleaning my girl's bedroom (or at least making sure she cleans it) and plotting my revenge.  Perhaps another six pm bedtime.................

Good Friday?  I don't see what is so good about it.

I'm Hungry...

Happy April!!  I can't believe how time flies.  It occurs to me tonight that it has been ages since I have written and I figure its about time I do.  Things have been busy here in the frozen north.  Since my last post, we have moved our baby in with her big sister and that is presenting some challenges for big sister (and mommy and daddy).  However that is a blog for another day.  Today I thought I would provide an update on our "Clean Eating" plan.

We are now on week 12 and my husband is down over thirty pounds.  I am still down twenty, haven't lost any weight in a while.  Its my fault though, because I cheat way more than my husband.  How are all of you doing with your resolutions?  I must say that I do struggle a little more with the eating plan than my husband, but I know it is worth it in the end.  For anyone who is thinking about making a change to their eating habits, here are some of the challenges we have had and how to overcome them.  I hope this helps.

The first challenge we faced was that it was expensive.  Initially it was.  We started buying things like Ezekiel bread--we first had to figure out what it was then figure out where to buy it.  Also, because the menus never repeated a meal, they called for many ingredients that were used in one meal then rotted before we rolled around to that meal again.  We way over bought produce.  We also did not account for things we like and would eat (for example buying the ingredients for a sardine and spinach salad was a wasted expense)  In addition we also did not account for things like going out and having leftovers.

The fix?  this is a fix to the next challenge as well, but we have decided to stop following a menu plan and automate what we eat.  In other words we basically eat the same things every day, so we each week we are buying basically the same things.This makes the grocery list easy to do  and the shopping quicker.  We now have the layout of the store memorized so we are in an out in about an hour.  Previously we would plan each meal for the week then buy the ingredients to make each meal.  Not a bad way to do things, but I find on a Sunday morning that last thing I want to do is think about the next seven days of supper.  Now I am making suppers that have a protein source, salad and a couple of vegetables and a grain. So now each week I buy two kinds of fish--usually salmon and talipa, two red meats usually pork and fast fry steak--or whatever is on for about four dollars. Sometimes I will buy one large T-bone or Sirloin and cut it into four pieces or cook it and cut it up for a Thai beef salad.  I also get two pre-cooked BBQ chickens (the hot ones ) I take the skin off of them and cut up the chicken in a container in the fridge.  This then becomes the lunch meat for sandwiches, the protein for salads and wraps and the topping for pizza or filling for fajitas. I also keep some sort of ground meat in the freezer--usually extra lean beef or chicken or turkey.

For vegetables it is hard to find ones we like, but so far we are enjoying broccoli rabe, asparagus carrots and celery.  For fruit we buy apples, oranges bosc pears and bananas we eat loads of bananas.  We also buy a fair amount of  frozen berries--blueberries, mango and strawberries.  Round it out with some milk, plain greek yogurt and some kids stuff like cereal, whole wheat bread for sandwiches, and wraps. We also get almond butter or all natural peanut butter, and some sort of beans--black or pinto or kidney.  That's basically the list, more or less the same each week--we are coming in around $150 dollars which is way better than the $350 we spent the first few time we did this.

The next challenge we faced is the time commitment. At first and as I have posted before, suppers were taking over two hours to prepare because many recipes had many ingredients (most of which I did not know what they were let alone how to cook them).  Now I find that dinner takes about 10 minutes or so to prepare--the meat cooks in about 10min  and sometimes we don't bother to cook the vegetables so they go from fridge to plate. I am starting to love dinner again. Packing school lunch takes no time either.  We usually pack a cheese string or two, a "cutie" orange, a pear, a sandwich and a banana, and two drinking boxes. I know, we should be packing milk, but we have a special request for drinking boxes and since my poor child is coping with the loss of his beloved "lunchables" I don't have the heart to take away the juice or-- gasp--sometimes kool aid.

So now you might be asking what we eat in a day. Well I can tell you that if I spend ten minutes on dinner I don't spend that time on breakfast or lunch. Here is our basic meal plan. It may sound boring and to some extent it is, but it is easy. Plus, there are millions of combinations to the same basic outline for the day.  For breakfast: Smoothie.  I was never one for smoothies until I started drinking them.  Now I love them for many reasons. They are quick, easy, can have them on the go, on the phone, while feeding a baby..and they are so tasty. There are millions of combinations to go in a smoothie, so no need to get bored.  Morning snack: Fruit with a table spoon of almond butter.  Lunch: Salad and a fruit.  Yeah I know, but salad is quick to prepare (we buy pre washed baby spinach and pre washed spring mix) and again, lots of combinations.  Afternoon snack: Green tea and fruit with almond butter. Supper as  I mentioned above, a meat a salad and a vegetable.  Bedtime snack: Either oatmeal with berries and protein powder  or three cups light organic microwave popcorn. Of course, plenty of water.  This is how my husband has lost thirty pounds and is now a couple of pounds below his goal weight.

My challenges have been that I am skipping the all important snacks, so then that leads to hunger and once I am hungry, I am ordering pizza or going to MacDonald's. So starting tomorrow, I am renewing my commitment to eat six times a day (small meals). However, if I find myself at a restaurant and craving funnel cake, I am going to get the funnel cake.  I believe that this is not an all or nothing endeavor. Its what you do most of the time that counts.  If you are wanting to make a change to your eating habits but don't because of the obstacles, I hope you will find hope in our plan and try it for yourself.  I would love to know how it works for others.  Also I would love any comments on simple ways you have found to eat healthy with little time and little money.  We are in this together.

I was such a good parent before I had kids

"I am setting the timer for 10 minutes.  Whoever is not ready, does not go the hockey game." This is how we begin most trips out of our house.  It is a source of huge frustration for me. It should be simple, pick a time to leave, put coats on put shoes on and go...Yeah right.  For some reason, when I say its time to get ready, my family (husband included) think it means stand around, or in the case of the children run around in all different directions until I have the baby ready and my stuff on. Then they choose that moment to go to the bathroom, put the dog out, get coats on, etc. Then I get blamed for holding everyone up.  Its true I am always the last one out of the house because  I am cleaning the kitchen, making sure the pets are locked downstairs and getting the baby ready. I try to give my family the ten minute warning--which as I said my family thinks it means wait until the ten minutes are up and then get ready..Sigh

Tonight was going to be our third night out of the house--we were going to a hockey game about an hour drive from Timmins. Jeff and I agreed we would leave at 6.  We had dinner at 5 and the kids even helped clean up. We did not tell them about the game until the 10 minute warning. They were super excited.  My son to my surprise got ready, but my wonderful two year old decided instead to strip her clothes off and run around naked. The timer of course went off, and my son actually asked for an extension for his sister so she could get ready.  Despite repeated warnings for my daughter to get dressed and some raised voices I finally convinced Jeff to go without her. My two year old managed to delay departure time until 6:30.  Now its 7 pm beautifully light out and warm and I would like to go for a walk..but I have a naked two year old to contend with. Double sigh.

Its situations like this that make me question my parenting skills and my sanity.  On one hand, I know I have to stick to what I said, and my girl did not get ready so she did not go. In fact she should not have had a half hour of chances but Jeff was reluctant to leave because he wanted to give me some quiet time by taking our older two.  He took the baby so once my two year old goes to sleep I should have the quiet time.  As a natural consequence of not getting ready my middle child missed the hockey game.  Good discipline, right? Except that she is not upset about missing the game.  In fact there were no tears, nothing.  Of course she is not upset. Now she has mommy all to herself (or at least she will when I am done writing this). Smart girl.

Is it too early to admit defeat? Is it wrong to admit that as much as she frustrates me I am secretly proud?  I love her persistence and stubbornness--when it doesn't affect me--It is what will take her far in life and hopefully she will never give up until she achieves her goals and dreams but right now, it sucks.   This child is truly smarter than me.  I have no idea how to impose a natural consequence without inadvertently rewarding the behavior. Triple sigh.  The star chart is working very well for our oldest child, but my clever two year old has decided she does not want or need stars. She does respond when her favorite bear is taken away, but if I am afraid if I do that too often she will just decide she doesn't need bear anyway.

I used to be smart. Before I had kids, I read books, I subscribe to theories--I have always liked the attachment theory of parenting. We talked about discipline, I knew exactly how I would handle my kids when they misbehaved.  I was so smart, so informed that I even knew what other parents were doing wrong. I would see them ignoring their kids in the mall, or yelling in a restaurant and I would  feel sorry those people couldn't handle their kids. Now I will consider myself lucky if I am not bailing one of my monsters out of jail in a few years. I was such a better parent before I had kids.