Hear my words that I might teach you; Take my arms that I might reach you
--Simon and Garfunkel
I know you are there. I see you have come to visit me once again. I was beginning to think you weren't coming. Silly me, I should have known you couldn't stay away. We have been through a lot together. You have been there for so many of my major milestones--Its hard for me to remember when we met. It was probably back when I was a plucky young nursing student who did not believe you really exist. I thought you were made up by drug companies to sell medication. You appeared from nowhere and you must of liked me cause you stuck around. When my grandfather died and when I failed out of nursing school and stayed on the couch for two months you were there waiting in the shadows, so quiet I did not know you were there.
You were there when I became a mom for the first time, again so quiet I really did not know you were there. I did not feel sad, just angry. I thought every new mom gets frustrated and angry and hates their husbands from time to time. I should have known it was you after all, I read about you, people asked about you during the early weeks, but you cleverly waited until after the six week check up to appear. You also would go away and come back that I did not realize you were there, silly me.
By the time my second child came you had enough of being quiet. You decided to make your presence known. I was not expecting you so I was not ready when you made your grand entrance. I dismissed the thoughts I had of dropping my baby daughter down the stairs as "just one of those things" When I thought about stabbing my son, I figured it was because I was standing in the kitchen putting away the knives and he happened to be there. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it was you. That's how good you were at insinuating yourself into my life I never knew you were there. I thought all mothers had crazy thoughts from time to time. All mothers lie awake at night unable to sleep because they are convinced their babies will stop breathing if they fall asleep. God forbid I should leave the room while my child is sleeping, she might suffocate while I am gone. New mothers have a lot to worry about and you made sure I worried about every single thing. You made me afraid to bathe my children because every time they were in the tub I would think about them drowning accidentally, then I would think about drowning them. You made sure that even when things were good I couldn't enjoy it because I was too guilty for my bad thoughts and I was too worried about how to avoid you.
I tried to run away from you, but that didn't work. You came with me, didn't you? Always with me. I tried to wish you away, I tried to exercise you away, I tried to eat my way away from you. Even the medication did not make you go away. So I learned to live with you, I stopped fighting you, stopped worrying about you. I had help of course, and with time and therapy you gradually went away. One day I turned around and you were gone. Can't really say I missed you, it was much more like good riddance.
Now I am a mom for the third time and you have come back. You know what? that's ok. Its the middle of winter and I know you have lots of people to visit. Thank you for giving me four glorious months with my daughter, where I haven't had to think about you once. Now I worry that when I loose my temper its because of you, when I am sad, I will wonder if I am just sad or if it is because of you. You are the master of making people worry, aren't you? I think this time you will find a different person than you did last time, for I have learned (the hard way) that it is not me, its you. Despite your best efforts, I am a good mom and I have people who love me. I have three amazing kids and you don't make me love them any less. I know the more I talk about you, write about you the less power you will have over me. When you went away last time, I saw the joy in my kids. They went from annoying to adorable (well most of the time :) ) So I say to you now, bring it on. I know that you won't be around all that long. This time I know you are there and you will not take my kids mom, not again.
Silence like a cancer grows
---Simon and Garfunkel
For everyone dealing with depression, please talk to someone. It doesn't have to get worse from here. For my mommy friends, check out this link:
http://www.helpformom.ca/
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