Its Official!

Its Official. I am ruining my children's lives.

Yesterday, I posted a link to a blog on my facebook page.  In case you missed it, I have posted the link on my blog page as well. The blog is "Good job and other things you shouldn't say or do unless you want to ruin your kid's life". When I read the post on yelling,  I was inspired. Finally felt like I was not crazy for wanting to find a better way to communicate with my children other than yelling.  Every time I yell at my kids, I feel like a failure--it is the equivalent of an adult temper tantrum.  J.L. (the author of the blog) has inspired me to keep working on myself and strive for a "no yelling" household.  Way to go J.L, Good job.

Inspired by the yelling post, I started checking out the site and J.L's other posts.  My heart started to sink as I realized that I am indeed ruining my children's lives.  I have some thoughts for you,  J.L.. First I will admit that my thoughts and observations are mine alone, I have not researched nor do I have any empirical evidence or a mentor to support my parenting views. 

But I do have kids. So while I found some your content inspiring, I would like to respectfully disagree with some of your posts. 

I read your post on spitting with great interest, as this was a problem with my almost three year old daughter. You wrote that ( and I am paraphrasing) that basically a child spitting is not meant as an insult to the parent, the child is merely expression their frustration/anger.  You wrote that the child is thinking something like “Excuse me Mom, I’m really angry right now. I feel like no one is caring about what’s going on for me. I don’t want to go to that party. I feel like I haven’t had enough time with you. You’ve been with the baby forever and now I’m supposed to just get in the car and I’m hungry and I want to play with you and I don’t give a shit about some friend turning four.” So they spit. You go on to give an example of how you might handle the situation :

My thoughts about a spitting child would be, Wow, she’s spitting. She must really be in pain. How can I help?
My actual response to them might be something like, “You’re sooo angry. So angry you’re spitting at me. I don’t like to be spit on but you can you push my hands or hit the sofa or scream. We’ll work through this together. But yes…get the anger out first.” Likely I’d say it in fewer words!

I can tell you J.L I have a spitting child and my first thought is not "how can I help".  Its actually "Ewww" I do not tolerate spitting my house.  Here's why: When my daughter grows up and leaves my house spitting will not be tolerated in any setting she goes into.  I seriously doubt that her future teachers, classmates, bosses and co workers will think about the anger/upset that motivated the spitting, and I can guarantee they will not respond the way you would.  You also go on to suggest that the child be directed to spit either outside or "over here where I can easily wipe it up"

My daughter is not allowed to spit anywhere in my home (except the toilet) that includes on me.  If she spits on me, she gets a time out--during which she spits on the floor at least three times (She gets another thirty seconds added to the time out for each additional spit on the floor)  I know your views on time outs-- but that's another blog-- After her time out, I hand her the cloth and she wipes out her own spit. 

I have found that the less of a big deal I make about it, the less she does it.  We haven't had a spitting incident in quite a while.  I hope that I am teaching her that if she makes a mess (like spitting on the floor) she cleans it up. However justified she may be in spitting on me, I cannot live with someone who spits.  I am sure that her future teachers, classmates, bosses and co workers will thank me.

I get that her spitting is a result of her inability to self regulate, that she is just expression frustration at whatever situation.  I take it from your post that you then would skip the birthday party in order to play/spend time with the child. 

That's all well and good, except....

That creates another problem.  In my house I would then have a screaming child who is now spitting because she missed the birthday party.  I do appreciate that kids need more time to calm down then  I do and I can appreciate the the incident may not be over just because I want it to be--because I have things to do and places to go, but the reality is we do have places to go and things to do.

I hope that I am teaching my kids that sometimes they can put their own personal comfort/interests aside in order to do something else.  Why? because in life, that's what we do.  If you make a commitment to someone (like attending a birthday party) then you should do your best to see it through. Besides, birthday parties might be fun.  That's not to say that I would force my child to go to or stay at a birthday party, but if my child has agreed to go (when the invitation came) then we go a least for a little while.  Think about it. If you r.s.v.p'd yes to a wedding, would you change your mind at the last minute? I personally hate weddings, but I love my friends and family. I put my personal feelings/comforts aside to be there for my friends.  Its the same with my kids and birthday parties.  If they have agreed to go, they go cause that is what friends do. Sometimes they have to think of someone besides themselves. I am sure their future classmates/friends/ and coworkers will thank me.

I do enjoy your blog, J.L and I hope you don't mind that I linked on my page.  For now I think we will have to agree to disagree.  I am going to continue to ruin my children's lives and start saving now for all the therapy bills in the future.  After all, that is what my mom did with me and I turned out okay.  Just ask my therapist....