New mom frustration # 34: Forgetting what side is next for a feeding.I am sitting on my bed in my room, staring at the most beautiful flowers..a gift from my fabulous co workers. I feel very blessed and lucky. I am anxious to take a shower and freshen up. This is the part of child birth I was most looking forward to. Having a couple of days to bond with my baby, nap when I want to, enjoy some alone time before we get home to the chaos. Also really looking forward to showing off my baby to my friends and coworkers who will surely come and visit--after all I have now texted everyone within a 30 mile radius to come see the baby. I even bought new nursing pj's and new nursing clothes so I would feel sexy during my stay (Hey no one needs to feel sexy like a new mom). One of my favorite parts about the hospital stay last time was lying in bed cuddling with my baby and watching TV. No question, this was going to be great.
At least that was the plan.
First off, baby's blood sugar was low. The nurses kept telling me the baby was "jittery." I have no idea what a "jittery" baby looks like, but in keeping true to my vow of not driving myself crazy I decide to assume the baby is fine, until they tell me otherwise. They tell me her sugar is on the low, side, so I need to nurse her every two hours. and they will keep checking her sugar every three hours. If it stays low they will give her some formula--something no breastfeeding mother wants to hear. Now alarm bells are ringing in my head. I am scared that the formula will make her not want to breastfeed, that her latch won't be good and we won't be able to breastfeed. I am calculating the cost of formula. I ask if its really necessary. They tell me if I refuse the formula, they will have to start an IV. Of course no mom would choose an IV over an ounce of formula, so I reluctantly give my consent.
The nurse asks if she can take the baby to what used to be the nursery so they can complete the assessments and give her a bath. The nurse asks me if I want to come and do it myself. For a moment I feel like I am on jeopardy, answering a really hard question. If I say no, will the nurse think I am a bad parent? I am supposed to not want to be separated from my baby, right? I am the mom, I should do all of these things, after all I am going to have to do it when I get home. But I really don't want to. I want the nurse to take her for a half hour or so and have my shower. Is it selfish to want to make myself look pretty after birth? Anyone coming to visit doesn't care what I look like, they just want to see the baby. I tell the nurse I will just stay in my room--I am still attached to the IV anyway.
Now the clock is ticking. I ask my nurse when she can take out the IV. She tells me I need to go to the bathroom first, and I can't go alone. She tells me to ring my call bell when I need to go and she will take me, then take out the IV. I try to tell her that I want to try now, but she seems pretty busy, so I decide to wait. After about 10 min, I decide I really want to shower.
Now I have a dilemma. Do I ring for the nurse to help me to the washroom? Or should I get up and go myself? As I nurse myself, I find it hard to ring the call bell for anything except a true emergency. Besides I know how to get to the bathroom with the IV. Plus I know how busy she probably is doing her med round and checking patients. I hate to be interrupted when I am doing my med round. Also if I ring and it takes a while for her to respond, then I am wasting time I could be showering.
On the other hand, I did have a significant bleed during delivery, and although I feel fine, if I get up and faint then I would be taking up a lot more of the nurse's time then if she just helped me. Plus if she helps me to the bathroom then she can be my witness that I actually went to the bathroom. If I go myself and tell her about it then she might decide to leave the IV in until she witnesses me going to the bathroom. I finally decide that if I were the nurse taking care of me then I would want me to ring for the nurse. I ring the bell.
I am in the bathroom, wondering how much time I have left before my family arrives, when I hear their excited voices, plus the voices of some very dear friends. Damn. I am happy they are here, but I really wanted to shower before they came. I come out of the bathroom where my nurse is waiting to take out my IV and do a post partum check up. My crew has to wait in the hallway while the nurse does my check. My friend cleverly keeps my kids occupied by counting the baby's fingers and toes. Finally everyone comes in.
As you can imagine, the hospital room is now a zoo. My older two kids are excitedly checking out the closet, my toddler is trying to make a break for the door. My friends are taking turns holding the baby. I am trying to eat pizza (a tradition we started when our first child was born) and share the pizza with my friend who graciously picked up our kids from daycare and looked after them while we were at the hospital. We are truly lucky to have such an amazing friend with three kids of her own willing to look after our three. I can only imagine the chaos at her house with six kids running around.
I am trying to enjoy the company and enjoy introducing my kids to their new sibling, but truthfully, I just feel annoyed. My kids are running around, two them have removed their socks and shoes, my toddler is laying on the dirty hospital floor. My toddler is whining because she is tired after her first day of daycare. I tell my husband its time to get the kids home. Its way past their bedtime and I am sure they won't go to bed without a fight. Finally everyone leaves and I am once again alone, looking forward to a quiet night.
The baby had other plans.
After everyone left, it was time to check baby's blood sugar. My plan is to feed her, check her sugar and hopefully catch a couple of hours of sleep before she wakes again. She fed well, and her sugar was ok--no formula needed (they did giver an ounce in the nursery after birth however). I wrap her up and place her back in her bassinet. Now for some much needed sleep....
I got about 30 minutes.
I wake up to a screaming baby. I don't know what to do...This isn't supposed to happen, she is supposed to sleep until the next feeding. This has never happened to me before. She is only 6 hours old what could possibly wrong? Okay, I tell myself, perhaps she is still hungry. Let's start there. I pick her up and try to nurse her. I am stiff and sore from the birth and have a hard time getting comfortable to nurse. She seems like she wants to nurse but won't latch or will only latch for a few seconds. I can't seem to get my position right. I feel the tension creep into my neck. I tell myself that its fine, she will eventually settle. I will just keep trying to nurse her. The struggle continues for about 30 min (only about 10 of which did she actually feed). I finally get her somewhat settled and lay her back down---just in time for the nurse to come in and check her blood sugar. The whole process begins again.
We struggled on like that for pretty much the entire night, with baby sleeping for about 30min at a time and screaming for the rest of the time. Around 4 am, panic and frustration starts to settle in. Doesn't the baby know this is supposed to be my quiet time? We are supposed to be bonding, but she is making it very difficult with all this screaming. I wonder about the other moms on the floor and if my baby is keeping them up. I wonder why my nurse is not coming to see if anything is wrong. Should I call my nurse? Did I miss something? Did I somehow break my baby? Why is the baby torturing me? Is she hungry? Then the more darker thoughts come: Will I bond with this baby? What if she is always like this? How am I going to cope? Maybe I can't do this. Now what do I do? Will I go through post partum depression again because I feel so negative towards the baby right now? I am so frustrated and angry.
Finally my nurse comes to see whats wrong. The baby has been screaming for about two hours. I suggest that perhaps the baby is hungry, and my milk has not come in. I am hoping that the nurse will offer to take the baby for a couple of hours and give her a bottle so I can at least get some sleep. The nurse gets my hint and tells me that since the nursery is closed. All babies unless they are sick have to stay in the room with mom. No exceptions. However, she will bring a bottle and I can feed the baby myself. I decide not to do this. I don't want to admit that I don't know how to give a bottle. (I have never given any of my children a bottle because I don't want to be associated with bottles, I always had someone else give my babies bottles). I politely refuse and the nurse looks at me like I have grown another head. My nurse tells me how important it is that I get my sleep (she tells me this at 5am) If formula will settle the baby then I should do that. She doesn't offer to re-swaddle the baby, or bring a warm blanket. She does however bring me a soother, but it doesn't help much.
Desperate for some rest, I take the baby to bed with me and try to get comfortable. My head is telling me not to do this, that if I bring my baby to bed now I will be setting her and me up for struggles when she has to sleep in her bassinet. I briefly wonder if I sleep with her now, how long I will have to sleep with her. I decide that it is worth the risk. We somewhat settle to bed. We manage a good four hour sleep. We wake up just in time for the day shift to start....
How was your first night with your baby? Did you stay in the hospital or go home hours after birth? Did you find the hospital stay restful?
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