Decisions, Decisions....

I am currently enjoying the off key sounds of  "O Canada" as I sit here to write this.  I don't think my son is going to win "American Idol" anytime soon. Every once in a while my daughter joins in with a chorus of "Daaaaaddddeeeeee!!!!"  They are in bed not sleeping because in a moment of weakness I allowed them to share a slushie at supper.  So naturally I have two hyper children who are grudgingly in their beds but are singing themselves to sleep. Sigh.

It seemed like such a good idea that the time.  Get out of the house for a while, have supper at the food court and while we are at the mall, get marbles for the new reward chart we started with the kids.  Simple right? I should have gone myself alone, but I told the kids if they earned their first marbles then we could go and get the marbles together.  They had great behavior on the weekend, so we decided to go today after school. We also picked the worst possible day weather wise, but since we only live a few blocks from the mall I didn't think it was a big deal.

Our adventure began trying to get out the door.  For my friends who have older kids, you might remember this, for my friends who have younger kids, any advice is welcome.  It takes us at least 30 min to get out the door.  There is a real science to getting out the door with kids.  The natural instinct is to get the kids ready, then get your coat on then go....But its not that easy.  By the time the last kid is ready the first kid is screaming cause she is hot (Sophie) and the second kid has stripped off the coat, hat and mittens so carefully applied and is working on her boots (Stella) and the third kid hasn't even got his coat on...I have cancelled many a trip because we can't get out the door, Although even this is easier said then done because sometimes we have to go.

We did manage to pile into the Mackie bus and we made it to the mall.  Our first stop was the dollar store. We searched the dollar store for marbles to no avail.  My son suggested we go to Canadian Tire, but I wanted to stay at the mall so we could eat.  Surely, I thought some store in the mall would sell marbles.  I thought wrong.  We ate our supper at the food court and piled back in the van to go to Canadian Tire.  Success at last.  Now that we had the marbles, we needed jars to put the marbles in.  The kids were really into it.  We picked out these little condiment jars for them to hold their marbles (The slushies were kicking in by now, so I was starting to loose my marbles ). Back home we came. What should have taken an hour actually took 3.

We skipped the baths and the kids rushed into their jammies so they could put their hard earned marbles into their new jars.  How do they earn marbles you ask?  Well, we have implemented a star chart for the kids, similar to the technique used in Jonas' class.  Every day the kids have a chance to earn a star for doing certain things like getting ready in the morning (Jonas), cleaning up and staying in bed at night (Stella) every time the kids get three stars, they earn a marble.  When they get 10 marbles they get a prize--Jonas' first prize will be a clock radio. I know what you are thinking and I have the same dilemma. I shouldn't bribe my kids to get them to behave. On the other hand, I am trying to build self esteem and reward the behavior I want to see.  Plus it beats screaming at them all the time (My throat is getting sore). So far so good, they are really into it. Also it gives me something to take away when they don't behave, like for example, they are told to go sleep and they are singing and yelling instead.....

This is the decision I am currently struggling with, whether to take away a star (and therefore a marble because then they haven't got three stars today) and risk the fights and the temper tantrums (which will keep the kids up even later) or just let them sing themselves to sleep because after all they are in bed, and staying there at least for now. We narrowly avoided a melt down when Stella's brand new marble jar broke because she was shaking it.  Then apparently the jar we bough for Jonas did not make it out of the cart and is probably still sitting at the cash register at Canadian Tire. So we are using two old mason jars I had in the cupboard.  Yeah, I know I could have save myself a lot of time and effort if I had just looked in the damn cupboard first and if I had just decided to use stickers instead of marbles (That would have been a lot quieter too).

Lucky for me I have kids who are easily amused.  They had a great time with us, and were pretty excited about their marbles, despite the broken jar, the missing jar.  Of course that could just be the slushie high talking and they will be miserable tomorrow. For now I am going to let them enjoy. At least I got out of the house and did not have to cook dinner.  If you are wondering, Jeff and I had subway salads at the food court.  I was very tempted by A&W but I am 20 lbs down now and want to keep going strong.  I did however have a couple of bites of the kid's pizza.....

Hello Darkness My Old Friend...

Hear my words that I might teach you; Take my arms that I might reach you
                                --Simon and Garfunkel

I know you are there.  I see you have come to visit me once again. I was beginning to think you weren't coming. Silly me, I should have known you couldn't stay away.  We have been through a lot together. You have been there for so many of my major milestones--Its hard for me to remember when we met.  It was probably back when I was a plucky young nursing student who did not believe you really exist.  I thought you were made up by drug companies to sell medication. You appeared from nowhere and you must of liked me cause you stuck around. When my grandfather died and when I failed out of nursing school and stayed on the couch for two months you were there waiting in the shadows, so quiet I did not know you were there.

You were there when I became a mom for the first time, again so quiet  I really did not know you were there. I did not feel sad, just angry. I thought every new mom gets frustrated and angry and hates their husbands from time to time. I should have known it was you after all, I read about you, people asked about you during the early weeks, but you cleverly waited until after the six week check up to appear.  You also would go away and come back that I did not realize you were there, silly me.

By the time my second child came you had enough of being quiet. You decided to make your presence known.  I was not expecting you so I was not ready when you made your grand entrance.  I dismissed the thoughts I had of dropping my baby daughter down the stairs as "just one of those things"  When I thought about stabbing my son, I figured it was because I was standing in the kitchen putting away the knives and he happened to be there.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think it was you.  That's how good you were at insinuating yourself into my life I never knew you were there. I thought all mothers had crazy thoughts from time to time.  All mothers lie awake at night unable to sleep because they are convinced their babies will stop breathing if they fall asleep. God forbid I should leave the room while my child is sleeping, she might suffocate while I am gone.  New mothers have a lot to worry about and you made sure I worried about every single thing.  You made me afraid to bathe my children because every time they were in the tub I would think about them drowning accidentally, then I would think about drowning them.  You made sure that even when things were good I couldn't enjoy it because I was too guilty for my bad thoughts and I was too worried about how to avoid you.

I tried to run away from you, but that didn't work. You came with me, didn't you?  Always with me. I tried to wish you away, I tried to exercise you away, I tried to eat my way away from you.  Even the medication did not make you go away.  So I learned to live with you, I stopped fighting you, stopped worrying about you.  I had help of course, and with time and therapy you gradually went away. One day I turned around and you were gone.  Can't really say I missed you, it was much more like good riddance.

Now I am a mom for the third time and you have come back.  You know what? that's ok.  Its the middle of winter and I know you have lots of people to visit.  Thank you for giving me four glorious months with my daughter, where I haven't had to think about you once.  Now I worry that when I loose my temper its because of you, when I am sad, I will wonder if I am just sad or if it is because of you.  You are the master of making people worry, aren't you? I think this time you will find a different person than you did last time, for I have learned (the hard way) that it is not me, its you.  Despite your best efforts, I am a good mom and I have people who love me.  I have three amazing kids and you don't make me love them any less.  I know the more I talk about you, write about you the less power you will have over me.  When you went away last time, I saw the joy in my kids. They went from annoying to adorable (well most of the time :) ) So I say to you now, bring it on. I know that you won't be around all that long.  This time I know you are there and you will not take my kids mom, not again.

                                                Silence like a cancer grows
                                                                   ---Simon and Garfunkel

For everyone dealing with depression, please talk to someone. It doesn't have to get worse from here. For my mommy friends, check out this link:
http://www.helpformom.ca/

If Only I had known then...

As  I sit here listening to my children crying and calling "Mommy"  I am fighting the urge to do two things. My first instinct is go up there, find out what is wrong and fix it so they can go to sleep (They have been in bed crying now for about an hour). But that would just teach them that crying and persistence pays off.  My second instinct is to go up there, scream at the top of my lungs and give them the mother of all spankings, but then I would just have to listen to more crying (and probably louder).  So I will sit here writing this and ignoring the cries as all good moms do.  I am reminded of a piece I wrote on Jeff's blog when Jonas was 11 months old, and I figured I would repost it, because it still applies whether you have one child or three.  This is for all my first time mom friends (the things your friends never told you) and all my experienced mom friends..remember when we thought we knew what we were doing?  Don't you wish someone would have told you?  Enjoy!!
 I would like to share with you the top 10 things I wish someone had told me about having a baby (in no
particular order):

1. Your hips stay that size--yep, your hip hugger jeans will be a long time fitting again...Now I know why moms wear mom jeans

2. Having a baby makes you hate your husband--I don't know if its hormones, but one day you look at him and think--Wow! how could I marry someone like him (Don't worry though, it passes--eventually. Right, Jeff honey :) )

3. Your stomach will look like a 3D road map-complete with canyons and rivers

4. Your normally wonderful parents turn into grandparents!!--Ok I knew that one, but still I was not prepared for such wisdom as "Your baby cant tell you when hes cold" and "I used to worry about you and the baby but then I realized your are not a complete idiot and probably won't screw up too much"--Love you too, mom

5. Fundal Massage is not nearly as fun as it sounds

6. Your biggest joy will be when your baby stops pooing green

7. You will proudly wear baby vomit/urine/feeces as though they were the latest acessory--Lets see Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian  top that!

8. You will never have sex again--see points 2 and 3

9. Sleep is for idiots

10. When the sun finally shines again, you will shut the blinds and go to sleep.


My love and praise to all the Mommies out there!! As a wise friend once said, Mommies are the best!

The Honeymoon is over...(Eating Clean can suck it)

Well my friends it has happened.  I think we all knew it would sooner or later.  I have hit a wall with the new eating plan.  I can admit it now, it sucks.  The first week I felt awesome and I lost 5 pounds...even more awesome.  Second week I felt great and lost another 5 pounds..even greater.  Then in the third week I cheated a bit and did not loose any weight. I also started to feel not so great, and this the end of week 4 I have not lost weight and I feel like crap.  Sigh.

On the bright side, we are still eating healthy colorful dinners.  The problem is, I am spending hours in the kitchen.  Tonight supper took me an hour and a half to prepare.  The kicker is it was fish.  Who the heck spends an hour and half on fish? While it was tasty, it was not filling and now I am eating a bedtime snack (which is allowed under the plan).  I have also just spent and hour making my grocery list for our weekly shop tomorrow.  Grocery shopping used to take us--or Jeff and the kids I should say cause they were the ones doing it--about an hour.  Now it takes two hours and that is with us dividing up the list.  The list is long and because we shop at an inexpensive grocery store,  it is hard to find substitutes for the ingredients not available at that store.  If we do the shopping at a store where we can buy things like Quinoa, Tahani and Mori Nu tofu, we end up spending well over $300.  I am also bummed because I found out last night on a TV show that the sandwich meat I was buying is not as healthy as I thought.  I don't want to name any product, but there is a brand of meat which lists the ingredients as lemon juice, sea salt and cultured celery extract.  In case you don't know, cultured celery extract is just another name for nitrate. In fact this meat is no more healthy then the obviously bad for you kind.  Another Sigh.

So what is a slightly postpartum depressed--tired--hungry--sick of being in the kitchen--mom to do?  No I don't have time to go to three different stores to get the stuff I need ( This includes going to a store with a deli or an actual deli)  So no more lunch meat, Jonas will be so disappointed.  Peanut butter and jam is out too, as Jonas' school is seed and nut free.  Jonas will just have to survive on leftovers.  I have decided each week I will just buy a roast beef or a chicken, cook them in my crock pot and use that for Jonas' lunch meat.  I am also going to try cooking several things at the same time--like roasting beets for a later in the week salad when I bake the sweet potatoes for that nights meal.  I am hoping this will save time at least later
in the week.  I am also going to splurge on a veggie tray..They are obviously more expensive then buying whole veggies and cutting them yourself, but the time savings is valuable.  Plus, you have the advantage of always having fresh prepared food ready for a snack.  I am a huge fan of grab and go food.  It also helps to remember that it is just as easy to make a lot of something as it is to make a little.  In other words, its just as easy to cook nine chicken breasts as it is to make four, so the leftovers can be used in a salad, a wrap or my kids favourite on a pizza.  I am really open to other suggestions any of you may have to save time and money so please feel free to post your tips here or on my facebook page. If you prefer you can message me your tips and I will post them.

At the end of the day, I must remember that this is a lifestyle change, not a diet.  There is no going back.  I will find a way to balance what little time I have with preparing most of what we eat from scratch.  It is definitely a learning curve, but we will keep on trucking--sardines and all.